Sometimes, unexpected moments teach us the most valuable lessons. That’s exactly what happened during a recent networking call I joined with a group of women founders. While the call was meant to focus on personal struggles, it quickly turned into a discussion about relationships, boundaries, and self-regulation. What came out of it feels too important not to share.
Let’s dive into what happened, how it relates to parenting, and the big takeaways for anyone dealing with tricky relationships—whether with kids, co-workers, or even a narcissistic ex.
Table of Contents
The Power of Boundaries
During the call, one of the women shared her ongoing stress dealing with her husband’s ex, who she described as a narcissist. She was searching for books and strategies to “fix” the situation or, better yet, to change the ex’s behavior.
Here’s the key truth I shared with her: you can’t control other people’s actions, but you can control your own. That includes how you think, respond, and set boundaries.
Boundaries often get misunderstood. People think they’re about creating rules for others, but boundaries are about what we will do. For example:
- Instead of demanding someone speak to you respectfully, you can decide to step away if they don’t.
- If someone continually shows up late, you can plan to go ahead without them instead of letting it ruin your day.
When you focus on what you can control, the stress caused by others starts to lose its grip.
This same principle applies whether you're managing a child refusing to get dressed or dealing with a narcissist pushing your boundaries. It’s all about protecting your energy and actions.
Self-Regulation: The Key to De-Escalating
Whether it’s an ex, a spouse, or your kids, knowing how to regulate your emotions is a game changer. Think about it: when we respond in anger or frustration, it often worsens the situation.
Here’s a common example I shared with the group: when someone does something that upsets us, it’s tempting to call them out and escalate the situation. But if we learn to manage our inner dialogue—like reminding ourselves this person’s behavior isn’t about us—it helps us remain calm.
This same principle works with kids. Ever yelled at your child to “stop yelling,” only to see the situation escalate even further? It’s frustrating but true—when emotions run high, our reaction feeds into the chaos. If we want calm, we need to bring calm into the situation first.
The same principle applies to relationships involving a narcissist. Dealing with their manipulation is exhausting, but reacting emotionally only gives them more control over the situation. Staying calm and thoughtful with your response not only keeps you in control but also prevents the situation from spiraling further.
Why I Focus on Parents, Not Kids
One of the most interesting parts of the conversation happened when the woman asked me what I do. When I told her I’m a parent coach, she said, “I thought you taught people how to deal with narcissists!”
In a way, she wasn’t wrong. The tools I teach parents—boundaries, self-regulation, and communication—are universal. They work with kids, family members, and yes, even difficult exes.
But here’s why my work centers on parents: kids aren’t always ready to do the work. Parents are.
Most kids, especially younger ones, aren’t emotionally mature enough to reflect, grow, and change their behavior on demand. Their brains are still developing—often not fully until their mid-twenties! So, instead of trying to control kids or demand change from people like a narcissist, I help parents focus on something they can control: themselves.
It’s empowering to realize that the same strategies—like setting boundaries and staying emotionally regulated—apply whether you’re nurturing a tantruming teenager or dealing with someone emotionally manipulative. Shifting your mindset toward what you can model changes the entire relationship dynamic.
Modeling the Behavior You Want
This brings us to one of my favorite lessons: model the behavior you want to see. Even if your kids (or others in your life) don’t “get it” right away, your actions set the tone.
If you want your child to speak respectfully, start by speaking to them with patience, even when it’s tough. If you’re dealing with a frustrating co-worker or a narcissistic ex, treat them the way you wish to be treated while respecting your own boundaries.
Whether with kids or adults, your calm attitude and consistency teach others what’s acceptable in your relationship. Modeling gets better results than lecturing or reacting emotionally, even if they resist at first.
And here’s the hard truth: modeling isn’t easy. We all lose our cool sometimes. But every time we manage to stay calm under pressure, we’re building a foundation for healthier interactions down the road.
Practical Tips for Managing Tough Situations
Here’s a quick recap of the strategies I shared on the call. These work whether you’re dealing with a frustrated child or a manipulative narcissist:
- Focus on Your Thoughts: Instead of stewing over how someone’s actions hurt you, remind yourself they may have their own struggles influencing their behavior. This shift can keep your emotions in check.
- Set Real Boundaries: Decide what you will do if a boundary is crossed. For example, “If you raise your voice, I’ll end this conversation.”
- Practice Self-Regulation: When a situation heats up, pause and calm yourself before responding. Techniques like deep breathing or stepping away can work wonders.
- Model What You Want: However you’d like to be treated, start by treating others that way—even when it’s tough.
- Maintain Consistency: Whether it’s with kids or adults, sticking consistently to your boundaries and calm responses helps solidify changes over time.
Final Thoughts
This experience reminded me why I do what I do. We can’t force others to behave a certain way, but we can create the environment for change by focusing on what we control.
Parenting, like any relationship, isn’t about winning battles or enforcing rules. It’s about building trust, fostering cooperation, and creating a healthier dynamic—and it all starts with us.
And here’s the bonus: these tools don’t just work with kids. They work anywhere relationships feel strained—yes, even when dealing with a narcissist.
Next Steps for Support
If you’re ready to dive deeper into these tools and techniques, here’s how I can help:
- 📥 Free Guide: Parent Without Guilt: 3 Sanity-Saving Tools That Really Work
- 💡 Positive Parenting 101 Course: Jumpstart your parenting journey with structured, actionable strategies.
- 🤝 Membership: Get weekly emails full of tips and quick wins (and more!) inside mty $9/month Weekly Flips Membership.
Let’s flip the parenting script together—starting today! Leave a comment below to share your experiences.
