One of the first things people say to me when they hear I teach positive parenting is, “Well, I turned out fine!” It’s often said like a badge of honor, as if it’s proof that the old ways worked. They point to their jobs, families, and how they’ve become functioning adults. And sure, they’ve made it this far. But being “fine” isn’t the same as thriving. It doesn’t mean there wasn’t a better way.
Let’s talk about why “I turned out ‘fine' ” isn’t enough—and how positive parenting helps us raise kids who truly thrive.
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Emotional Regulation: The Skill Many of Us Missed
Let’s rewind for a second. Think about all those times as a kid when you were upset, angry, or overwhelmed. How often were you taught how to handle those feelings? If you’re like most people, the answer is probably “not often.” Instead, you were told to “calm down,” “stop crying,” or “go to your room.” Your behavior was addressed, sure, but the why behind it? Not so much. Learning tools to do better? Most likely not.
What happens when kids grow up without these tools? Many of us carried that emotional baggage into adulthood. We weren’t taught how to process frustration or soothe ourselves. So, what did some of us do? We found workarounds—shutting down emotionally, experimenting with alcohol or drugs, or developing unhealthy relationship patterns because we never learned how to communicate what we were feeling.
And yet, we still hear people say, “Well, I turned out fine.” But if that were really true, why have 63% of parents sought therapy for themselves, their kids, or their families? Therapy helps, but imagine how different things could be if we were taught these tools from the start.
The Parent-Child Disconnect Many of Us Recognize
Now think about your relationship with your parents growing up. Was it warm and open? Or was it more about following their rules and staying out of trouble… and out of the way? For many, it was the latter. Sure, we loved our parents, but if we screwed up or struggled, they weren’t always the first people we’d run to. Why? Fear of punishment, shame, or just feeling like they “wouldn’t get it.”
Let’s be honest—lots of us got our advice from our friends instead. And, well, let’s just say teenagers aren’t exactly known for their stellar problem-solving skills. As a result, we missed an opportunity to build a closer, more trusting relationship with our parents. They were often more like bosses than mentors, which created a dynamic full of power struggles and resentment.
Could they have done better? Maybe. But they were doing what they knew, and guess what? Their parents didn’t teach them much about emotional connection either. It was a cycle.
Breaking the Cycle: What Positive Parenting Does Differently
Here’s the thing: we have an opportunity to do it differently. We’re not just policing kids until they’re adults. We’re teaching them life skills, showing them how to handle big emotions, and building relationships that actually last. Positive parenting shifts the focus from compliance—“Do what I say because I said so”—to connection and teaching.
Does that mean letting kids run wild with no rules? Definitely not. It’s about addressing the why behind their behavior. Are they acting out because they’re struggling with something? Let’s help them figure it out. Are they stressed or overwhelmed? Let’s teach them strategies to manage it. Instead of punishing bad behavior, we use it as a teachable moment.
Think about it: do you want your kids to only listen to you because they’re scared of what’ll happen if they don’t? Or would you rather them trust you, come to you when they need help, and learn skills they’ll take into adulthood? I think most of us would pick the latter.
Why Compliance Isn’t the Goal
On the surface, the old-school parenting style might look like it’s working. The kids seem calm. They’re doing their homework. They’re polite. But is everything really okay? Sometimes, compliance is just a mask. Maybe your child is struggling with math but too scared to tell you they don’t understand—so they cheat instead. Or maybe they’re secretly battling anxiety but don’t know how to deal with it, so they turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms.
When the only focus is on following the rules, the real stuff—the important stuff—stays hidden. And let’s face it, compliance doesn’t teach kids how to solve problems, regulate their emotions, or communicate effectively. At best, it teaches them how to keep their heads down, avoid trouble, and, in some cases, lie to keep the peace.
Positive parenting flips that script. Instead of trying to control kids’ behavior, it teaches them why making better choices matters. It says, “You’re struggling with this homework? Let’s figure out why and come up with a solution together.” It’s about equipping them with tools they can use long after they leave the nest.
Building a Foundation for Lifelong Connection
One of the biggest gifts positive parenting offers is a closer, more connected relationship with our kids. And this starts by redefining what success looks like as a parent.
Success isn’t about raising a kid who blindly follows orders. It’s about raising someone who can handle their emotions without shame. Someone who can think critically, solve problems, and (hopefully) call you when they’ve had a bad day because they trust you’ll listen without judgment.
When we focus on connection, we set ourselves up for a healthier long-term relationship with our kids. And let’s be real, if you’ve ever had a strained relationship with a parent, you know how much this matters.
Doing Better than “I Turned Out Fine” for the Next Generation
Here’s the truth: we’re all a little messy from the way we were raised. Our parents did their best, and so did their parents before them. But now, we know more. We know the importance of emotional regulation, connection, and teaching life skills. And we have tools to do better.
Change is hard. It’s easy to fall back on old patterns because it’s what we know. But every time we choose to handle things differently—to connect instead of control—it’s a step toward breaking generational cycles. It’s a step toward raising kids who are more emotionally healthy, resilient, and empowered than we ever were.
So no, “we turned out fine” isn’t a great reason to stick to outdated parenting methods. We can do better. And our kids deserve better.
Changing the Way We View Parenting
Intrigued by Positive Parenting and want to learn more? Check out my self-paced online course Positive Parenting 101: Breaking Generational Cycles for Calm, Confident Parenting.
You can also grab my free guide, “Parent without Guilt: 3 Sanity-Saving Tools that Really Work!”
