From the moment our kids open their eyes, the day’s a symphony of instructions: “Brush your teeth! Get dressed! Hurry up—we’re late!” By bedtime, we’ve told them what to do so many times it feels like we’ve become human to-do lists. But here’s the thing—what if constantly telling them what to do isn’t the only way? What if there were a better way to connect with them, reduce pushback, and, hey, maybe even laugh a little more along the way? That’s where the “Ask vs. Tell” tool comes in.
This one shift in how you communicate can make your parenting feel less like barking orders and more like building a partnership. Let me explain how it works and why it’s such a game-changer (oops, I said it, but for real)!
Table of Contents
Why Constantly Telling Doesn’t Work
Let’s go big picture for a second. Imagine someone followed you around all day micromanaging your life:
- “Turn off your alarm right now!”
- “Make your coffee. Drink it faster. Let’s move!”
- “Answer that email immediately!”
Wouldn’t you just want to scream, “Can I breathe for a second?” Kids feel the same way. When we’re always in “instruct and direct” mode—whether it’s “Put on your shoes” or *“Do your homework”—*we unintentionally shut out their voices, their choices, and their sense of control over their own lives.
And kids? They need to feel a little in control. It’s a basic human thing. The more we boss them around, the more they either tune us out (“blah blah blah, Mom’s talking again”) or push back (“No, I don’t WANT to!”).
But here’s the kicker: Constant telling also chips away at your connection with them. It can make you seem less like the loving guide they need and more like an overbearing manager. Harsh, I know. But hey, we’ve all been there.
The Shift: From Telling to Asking
Here’s where “Ask vs. Tell” changes the game. Instead of giving commands, you ask prompting questions. It’s a small tweak, but it flips the dynamic in such a powerful way.
So instead of saying, “Go put on your shoes,” you try:
“What do you still need to do before we leave for school?”
Instead of barking, “Do your homework now,” you nudge with:
“Would you rather do your homework before or after dinner?”
The moment you ask instead of tell, something magical happens. Your kid doesn’t feel bossed around. They feel empowered. Suddenly, they’re thinking, making decisions, and solving problems on their own.
And honestly? Isn't that what we want for our kids—to raise thinkers, not just doers?
Why Asking Works
This shift isn’t just about avoiding power struggles (though that’s a nice side perk). It’s about building deeper skills in your kids that go way beyond whether or not they put their shoes on before you lose your cool at 7:58 a.m.
Here’s what asking does for them:
- Encourages critical thinking: When your child hears a question, they naturally process it and plan their response. It gets their brain firing in ways a command simply doesn’t do.
- Builds independence: Figuring things out themselves gives kids a sense of autonomy. They realize, “Oh, I can handle this.” That’s confidence you can’t force.
- Boosts self-esteem: Instead of feeling like a pawn in someone else’s schedule, they feel capable and respected.
- Naturally invites cooperation: Asking creates collaboration, not conflict. You’re inviting them into the process instead of dragging them through it.
And here’s the selfish bonus: It makes parenting feel less stressful. You’re no longer the bad guy orchestrating everyone’s moves 24/7.
Real-Life Examples of Asking vs. Telling
If you’re thinking, “This all sounds nice, but how do I actually use it?” don’t worry—I’ve got you covered. Let’s break it down with some everyday scenarios.
Getting Ready for School
Instead of: “Put your shoes on now!”
Try: “What’s the last thing you need to do before we head out the door?”
Why it works: It prompts your child to take charge. They know the goal (leaving for school), and now they’re solving how to get there.
Homework Time
Instead of: “Sit down and do your homework!”
Try: “How much time do you think you’ll need for your homework today?” or “What’s your plan for getting it done?”
Why it works: It respects their needs and rhythms. Maybe they’re tired and need a post-school snack first—great! You’re working with them, not against them.
Chores
Instead of: “Clean up your toys now!”
Try: “What’s your first step to getting the toys put away?”
Why it works: Breaking it into a decision—and putting them in control of “step one”—feels way less overwhelming for them.
What This Means for Your Relationship
Here’s where it gets even better: When you stop the constant telling, your relationship really changes. Asking communicates something essential to your kids: “I trust you. I believe in your ability to figure this out.”
That’s huge for connection. Instead of driving a wedge with demands, you’re building a bridge with respect. They see you as someone on their team, not an opposing player.
Over time, this leads to fewer battles, more cooperation, and a home that feels (dare I say it?) calmer.
Want to Try It? Here’s Your Next Step
If this resonates and you’re ready to try asking vs. telling, I’ve got a little gift to help. I put together a free guide with three simple tools you can start using today to encourage cooperation and boost connection in your home. Spoiler: “Ask vs. Tell” is one of them!
You can grab your free copy right here.
And if you’re looking for more consistent support, I’ve got a monthly membership called “Weekly Flips,” where you’ll get a fresh parenting tool delivered straight to your inbox every week. It’s just $9/month—kind of like a coffee subscription, only this one changes your life instead of fueling your caffeine habit.
Parenting doesn’t have to feel like a battle. By asking instead of telling, you’re not just getting things done—you’re raising capable, confident humans. And isn’t that the point of all this, anyway?
So, what’s one place you can start asking instead of telling today? I’d love to hear in the comments!
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